It happens all the time, sometimes it never really goes away… Most times, I find myself waking up hurt, going to bed hurt, and functioning throughout the day pretty damn hurt. I live my long, and mostly dreadful, days knowing that I can’t help the hurting or the way I feel, I can only help the way I respond to the pain.
For about four months I was constantly nonfunctional because of how badly I was hurting from a heartbreak. I could hardly attend my college classes, absence after absence, until one of my teachers reached out to me telling me that she noticed a change in my behavior. As we were standing there in the hallway after class, she asked me if I felt like giving up on life, with a pause, I slowly nodded my head and utterly lost my composure. Now, if you’ve ever been feeling your very lowest, and someone has the heart to ask you if you feel like ending your life, that’s going to hit you to deep to your core. It meant a lot to me that she was concerned about my mental health. She gave me a list of resources to reach out to when I was at my lowest. For a while it got so bad that I kept missing work and almost lost my job. I would drive all the way there but upon arriving, all I could do was cry, I could never make it inside to clock in. I would just sit in my car wondering how I was going to be able to function ever again like a normal human being. I was mourning the loss of the closest person in my life, my love for a year and three months, one that I never doubted would last forever. My heart is still not completely mended and at this point honestly, I’m in no way confident that it will ever be one hundred percent restored.
I put my entire heart into the hands of someone who I thought would hold it forever. I had never loved anyone in my life and I still haven’t since then. It’s going to take me a very long time until I feel that I’m ready to dedicate my life to other person again after the hurt that I have endured for almost eight months now. The worst hurt is when it is caused by the people you love the most, and trust me, I have been deeply cut by many of my friends and family, but for me, the worst hurt was this one.
You trust with your whole being that the person you love, loves you back and values you just as much as you do, especially after being in a fairly serious and committed relationship for over a year. After all of our indescribable depth, I was left with absolutely no closure other than knowing that we were over. We only broke up one time, and that was the last of it. It happened so goddamn fast that all I did for months on end was replay all of our amber-colored memories and watch as they turned grey in my mind. For so long, I tried incredibly hard to uncover what went wrong, what was said between us, and what it meant. Every day I woke up alone, it was reminder after reminder of my failing relationship, I was so confused about why we just couldn’t be together, our relationship was never unhealthy or in a bad condition. The fact that I couldn’t answer any of my many questions or mend my own heart was so exhaustively frustrating. The pieces of our puzzle that my heart engraved with love were not all with me, she took some with her when she left and I will never, ever, get them back.
The most ironic thing is this; the exact amount of hurt that I am still feeling from us leaving each other, is the exact amount of certainty I feel when thinking about me being without her. Two months after we broke up, the one who I loved the most, was in new relationship, and that’s when I knew I was effected the deepest. The one who hurt me the most was clearly not hurting at all. This ached my body and soul to my core. To know that I was left feeling everything that was deep and dark with no comfort, while watching who I thought was the love of my life share that with another person was gut wrenching. Someone who doesn’t choose you should never be your choice either. You can’t waste time being torn by someone who isn’t torn by you.
Its crazy, I have literally faked being okay for eight months and I will do it until I am completely and utterly okay again. In a way it has worked, time hasn’t necessarily made it easier for me, but I have. My friends and family have also been there for me and have never discouraged my feelings. I wake up every day and remind myself that she isn’t choosing me, so I won’t be choosing to mourn over her. I am able to function very well now, and although I am still feeling in a way betrayed, I am overcome with the feeling of growth. I am in a way thankful for the damage done, I have proved myself of my strength, and although it hurts, I know what I deserve and it’s not a surface love that I have to ask to be appreciated or loved unconditionally. I deserve a selfless love that without a doubt will last a lifetime of joy and pure happiness. I deserve the love that I give other people.
Listen, change is fucking tough, when you are comfortable in one spot for a very long time it’s very difficult to initiate a change. My parents were married for twenty-one years and my father decided this year that not another would be seen of their marriage. It’s a devastating thing, leaving the life that you have known for that long, especially when it has been with someone who you have spent half of your life next to. Imagine building a home and creating a family with someone and having to deal with that departure.
************** Please keep these things in mind ************
You will never know what is right for you until you leave the thing that is wrong for you.
There is no time limit that you need to put on yourself for being better or getting over someone.
Time doesn’t heal everything, you do, so make healthy coping decisions that you know will benefit your well-being.
Never think that your definition of love is tainted or doesn’t exist.
Don’t let the hurt consume you, you feel deeply and that is why it affects you like this so use it as your tool of strength.
Know that there are so many people who care about you, who know you possess a kind and healing heart and will deeply love and appreciate you the way you deserve.
Hurting is a part of life, no one goes through life untouched by difficult times, but baby you got this.
Yes I’m Changing // Tame Impala